


Vegas Lights and Nicotine

by hollowfirefly



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: 10 Years, Fear, Fluff, In love for awhile, M/M, Smoking, Vegas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollowfirefly/pseuds/hollowfirefly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vegas lights are blinding my eyesight and my heart is beating wildly, wildly and you’re there. You’re right there. I can practically feel your heartbeat through my bones, shaking my soul. I watch you laughing and smiling with Jon and my heart is racing. How do I say hello?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vegas Lights and Nicotine

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a one-shot Ryden :) I was listening to Panic! At the Disco's new album and just thought that I would write this to get my feelings out. Love the new album!
> 
> I love kudos but comments and subscriptions make me squeal ^-^ Thanks for reading!

Vegas lights are blinding my eyesight and my heart is beating wildly, wildly and you’re there. You’re right there. I can practically feel your heartbeat through my bones, shaking my soul. I watch you laughing and smiling with Jon and my heart is racing. How do I say hello? I look behind me and into the reflection of the shop’s glass window. People file behind me, walking forwards, backwards, sideways, left, right. I swear in Vegas you could even walk up and down.

I turn and see you’ve moved on alone down the sidewalk and this is my one chance. My one chance to say something to you. When was the last time I saw you? When you told me that sluts don’t deserve love.

Sluts don’t deserve love.

So I haven’t gotten love since you.

I shiver and start walking across the street to where you’re stopping to light a smoke. Be quick, catch him off guard, tell him he means everything. It’s the walk there that is making my feet feel like lead and my head spin, the lights are flashing in odd places and I can clearly feel the painful pounding of my heart. It’s working hard to pump blood through my ever-cold body, despite the lack of breathing occurring.

I am behind where you stand. Not directly, far enough so you don’t notice, but you’re so close. I can feel your presence, the way our hands lock, the way our bodies intertwine. You’re disastrous but it’s what I want. What I need. Because I’ve gone this long without feeling you’re body wrapped around mine at three in the morning. I’ve gone so long without feeling your breath on my neck telling me it’s real. This is real and I shouldn’t be scared. Fear was useless, you’d say. Something that is used to work against us.

But god, I’ve never been this scared.

Do I go up to you? Touch your shoulder? Say your name? Ask you out to coffee? Do I ask if you’re with anyone? Do I really want to know? So many questions concerning you and everything you are. The way you make my heart feel. My hard, labored breathing. All due to you. You, you, you and I haven’t gone a day without thinking about you. Because you were my whole world. You are my whole world.

I just need to know if what you said was true. If it really was real. If fear is really a useless emotion. Because my fear could break or save me in this moment.

And just for you, I face my fears.

My lead feet scream “No! No!” at me but I push them aside and keep dragging them in with me. I am near you and your head is looking behind you, to who may be disturbing your quiet and peaceful smoke. My heart is on my sleeve, pounding hard until the whole world can hear it. You’re smiling and there it is.

There’s the Ryan Ross I’ve loved for 10 years.

“Brendon?” is the first thing he says and he’s saying my name. Like it’s never changed. Like we’re back in our bed in a shitty one room apartment with nothing but a bed, a stove and a toilet. We had nothing but each other, the heat of our bodies keeping out the cold in the winters and the sweat keeping us cold in the summer.

I smile at you and hope you smile back. Maybe you’ll cup my face and leave kisses on me like it’s all you’ve wanted; to see me again. Maybe you’ll laugh and say something witty like “Brendon I thought you went back to Mormonism.” Maybe he won’t say anything. Maybe he’ll just look at me and there’ll be that hint in his eyes saying, “Thank you for coming back. What did I tell you Brendon? Fear is useless.”

But all my fantasies are for nothing because he doesn’t do any of those. What he does do is he looks at me and laughs. He laughs and then finally says, “I thought you were dead.”

He thought I was dead? Was I really broken enough where he thought I would die?

“But you’re probably too afraid to die anyways.” Ryan snorts and shakes his head.

“Fear is useless.” I quote and try to seethe but it comes out cracked and broken. My heart is breaking into thousands and thousands of small pieces but the pieces are quickly torn away, no, they are being slowly pulled on until they rip with searing and agonizing pain.

“That’s right.” Ryan smirks. “Which is why you weren’t afraid to come say hi to me. Which is why I’m not afraid to do this.” Ryan leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. He thought I was dead. Maybe I am but no, he is kissing me. _Finally._ And it feels like forever since these lips touched mine and my breaking heart isn’t being mended but at least it isn’t breaking anymore.

“I missed you.” He whispers softly against our parted and nearly touching lips.

“I’ve missed you more.” I say and press my forehead against his harder.

“You’re not a slut Brendon.” He says and my heart flutters. He remembers everything. He’s been thinking about me too. He’s been wanting to say something to me too.

“Why did you never come back?” I ask quietly and my heart is awaiting an answer I fear I don’t want to hear. Fear is inevitable in this moment.

“I was too afraid to.” Ryan says and he lifts my face to look into his eyes. “You’re so brave Bren.” He says and kisses my forehead. Bren… He used my nickname only _he_ uses. I won’t allow anyone else to use it. Because Ryan is special.

“You shouldn’t smoke.” I say and point at his cigarette. Ryan laughs and smiles and there he is. Ryan Ross. Here’s the man that I spent nights with talking, laughing, fucking.

Here’s the man I fell in love with.

Here’s the man I am in love with.

And now he’s taking my hand and squeezing it like he’s going to lose me in the mess of us. The mess of this love. This addiction.

“You’re worse than nicotine.” Ryan tells me and I smile, because maybe now he’ll stop smoking and his lungs will fill up with me instead of the toxin he consumes with each drag.

Maybe fear is useless. But sometimes fear cautions us. Makes us weigh the odds. But in the end we will always push it aside. We will always push passed the fears and move on. Because it’s human nature. It’s just what we do. And the consequences may be hurtful or they may bring you together. But it’s the hurt that makes you realize the good. And when you realize the good you can become together. One person. Whole.

The Vegas lights shine down on us.


End file.
